Two Sides

I confess I used to feel jelaous at my younger brother (the one closest to me in age) but I never hated him. In the beginning I was jelaous of the fact that he was able to stay with our birth family, while I wasn't because I basically was a daughter and not the longed for son. I know that's the truth, but it wasn't my birth parents decision...

These days I feel pity for him because he is the one that has a huge responsability resting on his shoulders and the future and wellbeing of my birth family lies in his hands... How can I ever be jelaous that !? I guess I'll always struggle with some feelings of jelaousy because the rest of birth siblings were all able to stay and be raised by our birth parents. They all know each other I don't know them.

Me and this brother each share the same faith, I think I was born so that he could be born...I was abandoned to make place for him. I don't resent my brother in any way, we are each a part of the same faith but from different perspectives....

 I love them despite of everything and maybe this makes me a bad person... but then again what would you expect... I easily could have become a feminist but I don't like to call myself one even though I may share some feminism opinions. Why is it so that you're expected to marry once you've found true love....

Yet I feel a strange urge and determination to leave Sweden and move to Korea very soon, as soon as I finished everything I need to finish in Sweden. My adventure is not to leave an ordinary life as an average Joe with 2,2 children, husband, Volvo, mansion and summer house. Oh no, so don't ask me to make you any promises because I don't intend to make my future life in Sweden. Korea was my pre life and past, Sweden is only the present Korea will become my future because I want to be. Simple as that.

This îs my last entry for 2011, see you soon in 2012. ^^

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

Related posts:
Feminism


Daughter

Differences

The Name Of The Game

Ever since the musical Mamma Mia managed to become a movie musical I've loved and appreciated most Abba songs. Particularly those in the movie of corse. This another Abba song seen the movie.

I've seen you twice, in a short time
Only a week since we started
It seems to me, for every time
I'm getting more open-hearted

I was an impossible case
No-one ever could reach me
But I think I can see in your face
There's a lot of things you could teach me
So I wanna know

What's the name of the game?
Does it mean anything to you?
What's the name of the game?
Can you feel it the way I do?
Tell me please, 'cause I have to know
I'm a bashful child, beginning to grow

And you make talk
And you make me feel
And you make me show
What I'm trying to conceal
If I trust in you, would you let me down?
Would you laugh at me, if I said I care for you?
Could you feel the same way too?

The name of the game

I have no friends, no one to see
And I'm never invited
Now I'm here talking to you
Now i get excited

Your smile and the sound of your voice
And the way you see through me
Got a feeling, you give me no choice
But it means a lot to me
So I wanna know...

http://www.sing365.com/music/lyric.nsf/The-Name-Of-The-Game-lyrics-Abba/F9EB19DDD3E57DA248256BC600202FA4

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

Related posts:
Honey Honey

Lay All Your Love

Gimme Gimme

Job Oppertunities

What kind of job oppertunities are awailable for KADs if they aspire to move back to Korea as adults ? Is it even possible I wonder ... What if you'd like to earn a living somehow but doesn't like teaching for some reason what then ?

Maybe someone knows or has an answer ? And please don't tell me that it can't be done because I know it can happen, I'm not the first one to consider it.

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

Related posts: 
Feminism

Daughter


Allright

Is It Allright ?

Is it allright to want to move back to your birth country with the purpose of continue building a relationship with your birth family if you're an adoptee ? Would it be allright to bring a spouse or a partner and children or would it be selfish ? I told myself I would not allow myself to get to know people from the opposite sex in that way, not until my moving plans were settled. But maybe that's even more selfish than not doing it 'cos I don' know exactly when I'd be able to make that move for sure.

Does one cancel out the other and the opposite , I wonder... ?

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

Related posts:


Daughter

Reconnecting

Differences And Similarites

I begun to wonder weither or not adoptees can understand and relate to one another regardless of where they've grown up.... Is it so that adoptees from the same country more easily can understand each other... And could it be so that the differences partially consits of where you grew up (your social heritage so to say)...

Mum and I somehow manages to get on each others nerves occassionally, or maybe it's just that mum sometimes acts just like my classmates in grade school and sadly she can't understand how upset and hurt it makes me. I've tried to tell her but she can't seem to understand, because natuarlly she's always right and I'm always wrong...

Dad has never taken on the role as one of my bullies, out of my parents he's the most diplomatic and understanding parent. Maybe I'm being unfair but it's how I feel so why should I lie !? I do still love my mum I just wish she could understand me better, any of those deep and serious talks is much easier to have with dad. When mum has upset me I punish her by only speaking to my dad, I know it's childish and that it really hurts mum but I can't help it. Or maybe I can, I guess I may keep this thing up until the day mum finally understands...

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

Related posts:


Ibyang

Obvious Opinions

United Korea

With the death of leader Kim Jong Il will a lasting peace and future unification of Korea be more likely to happen ? Changes are it could also go the other way.. Nobody knows for sure...

Will the Korean conflict end by 2012; over 60 years long. Or will the security in South Korea become tighter now, maybe even make more complicated to enter South Korea ? What kind of a leader will Kim Jung Un be ? Will North Korea fall ? As I assume many of you know North Korea has been an autocrazy ever since 1953 and lead by Kim Il Sung, the later Kim Jong Il and now the young Kim Jong Un. And will the US vacate Korea and return home ?

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

Related posts:


New Ruler

Obvious Opinions

I'm truely sorry that things didn't turn out the way we both imagined that it would, you must be disappointed in me and my behaviour although you never uttered a word. I thought I could abandon my Swedish values and replace them with Korean values but that task seems impossible and overbearing to me. I was foolish, I didn't believe I had that many values to replace but I was wrong I know that now.

I just wonder where we go from here, I'd like to become more Korean but I guess time has turned me into more of a Swede. I'm not like any other of your children or sisters, I'm strongheaded, independent and I act and behave more like a Swede than a Korean. For instance I can't imagine becoming a shy and timid housewife, I would never stay married to someone if they misstreated me. A failed marriage with one or two kids, is totally fine in my book. I would continue working after my wedding and I can't imagine staying home and raise my children I'd like to work to earn a living instead. I could even imagine moving far away from the parents that raised me, even overseas it doesn't mean I love them any less or would forget everything that has been.

So maybe I'm more like an Oppa than a younger Noona/Yuhdongseang because of my independent lifestyle.... But do they love me any less ?

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

Related posts:


Reconnecting


Feminism

Ibyang

Daughter Or Friend

Daughter Or Friend

Daughter 딸 (tal) or friend 진구 (chingu). No matter what happens I guess 아버치 and 어머니
always will think of me and treat me as a child or maybe even toddler... Because I guess I'm a toddler to them at best, innocent and helpless in their minds (even though I'm 25 by now and have been considered as an adult for at least 7 years) by my mum and dad. I'll always be a child for my Swedish parents too, of course but I no longer need their permission or approval. I certainly wish and imagine I would ask them for input my future spouse, but I wouldn't have to obey their every word. That's the difference I guess. I am free to make my own mistakes and decisions.

For my siblings it's a different story they have been raised by our rural Korean parents, which means they have to obey their every word. And the younger siblings have to follow the older ones orders, and of course it's our father who has the final say inside our family and outside it's their husbands.

Although me and my birth siblings always will be siblings for better or worse , I realize and fear more than predict that we never will know each other like real siblings since we don't really know each other. They have no clue of my thoughts and opinions and certainly doesn't know of my dreams and goal in life. It sounds harsh , I know but I honestly don't think it matters how much, dearly or sincerely me or them they'd like things to be different. It can never be different from what it is, I wouldn't like to have it all changed or undone. The Dice has already been thrown, and you can't cheat in the game of life.

Right now I'm satisfied that I managed to plant a seed of love and hope inside their hearts and minds, I hope more than guess that it means that the future only can improve... Although it is the truth and nothing but the truth (which sometimes can be hard to hear), the truth is that I love each and everyone of them, yet it does hurt to think of them... I guess that means true love can be painful yet beautiful and delicate. But I guess I'll always be either a daughter or friend never just a sister.

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

Related posts:



First Day

My Heart

I Wish I Knew

What Do

Sweden Korea

Feminism

Gimme Gimme Gimme

Seriously man don't read to much into this.. It's just a song nothing else...

Half past twelve
And I'm watching the late night show in my flat all alone
How i hate to spend the evening on my own
Autumn winds
Blowing outside my window as I look around the room
And it makes me so depressed to see the gloom
Is there a man out there
Someone to hear my prays

Gimme gimnme gimme a man after midnight
Won't someone help me chase the shadows away
Gimme gimme gimme a man after midnight
Take me thriugh the darkness to the break of the day

Movie stars
Find the end of the rainbow, with a fortune to win
It's so different from the world I'm living in
Tired of TV
I open the window and I gaze into the night
But there's nothing there to see, no one in sight
Is there a man out there
Someone to hear my prays

http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/abba/gimmegimmegimmeamanaftermidnight.html

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

Related posts:


Does Your Mother Know


Our Last Summer

Honey Honey

Lay All Your Love On Me

Christmas 2 Days To Go

It's only 2 days left for Christmas Eve, and 9 days left of this year. Some days ago I went a Christmas party and felt really out of place even though it was for Korean adoptees.

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

Related posts:


Lucia

December

The New Ruler

A few days ago North Korea's leader Kim Jong Il died at 69 years old, the new ruler is supposed to be his third and youngest son Kim Jong Un... Will North Korea become a more open society now ? Well, honestly speaking I think the nation has a rather long way to go. Just look at the funeral who didn't allow foreigners to come and show their respects...

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

Related posts:


Kim Jong Un

Kim Kyong Hui

Sightseeing

Motivational Quotes

Do you want to know who you are? Don't ask. Act! Action will delineate and define you. - Thomas Jefferson

Go big or go home. Because it's true. What do you have to lose? - Eliza Dushku 

 No matter how many goals you have achieved, you must set your sights on a higher one. - Jessica Savitch

 The will to win, the desire to succeed, the urge to reach your full potential... these are the keys that will unlock the door to personal excellence. - Confucious 

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

Related posts :
Life


Friendship

Love

Ibyang

Korean faces everywhere... Many Koreans only seems to know Korean, som Koreans speak English but doesn't know Korean. 'Cos they're ibyangs. Some Koreans grow up in America, others are raised in Europe. They might know English while their mother tongue could be German, Dutch, French or maybe Scandinavian ( Danish, Norwegian or Swedish)... But many of them still don't know Korean because they're ibyangs.

For a Korean ibyang it generally means that you'll have to study Korean as a teen or young adult if you want to learn it again for whatever reason.. Koreans seems to assume that you naturally know Korean because you have that Korean face, if you don't then you're a foreigner and a Japanese citizen. Ibyangs that don't know Korean might be mistaken for other Asian ethnicities.

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

Related posts:
I Wish I Knew

Orphan

Together

Living On The Edge

Warning, the following entry can possibly be very upsetting... just so you all know...

When I was twelve years old I was less then one inch from getting hit by a car.
At 15 and 16 I became depressed for the first time.
Between 18 and 20 I seriously thought about taking my own life, I even tried to once but I chickened out in the last minute. At 23 I became depressed once again, started wearing black, thinking about death and all of that. It's tragical and sad, but if it hadn't been for my cat I'm not sure where I would be. My cat literarly saved my life...

미안합니다.

I used to feel rejected, a nobody, a worthless living creature not worthy of love or anything similar to that. I was bullied for the way I looked people told me that I was a negro, Chinese or Japanese or the only one ugly enough for something... Unloved because my gender, rejected. So I guess it's not a surprise that I used to feel like I once did. Also even your closest friends or family members can say hurtful things to you and they will not realize that they're hurting you...

But maybe that's the way life's supposed to be for an adult adoptee, I don't know. Sadly I have nobody to ask about this I don't know any adoptees that well that I would feel confident enough to ask those kinds of questions... I've realized that I probably always will have those issues in my life, but that's allright. If I managed to survive my first 25 years then I guess I will manage at least 25 more... Yet other things has happened in my life as well, things that isn't related to adoption and those things have shaped me into the person that I am today for better or worse. Not so many people know about those things....

I suppose I have always been drawn uncounsiously towards a life on the edge. These days I feel much better, honestly speaking. I still have my days though but I dress in colourful clothes and clothes that makes me feel good about myself, that way I can approch every day with a smile.

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

Related posts:
Sad Song


Greif Again

Not Sad

Feminism & Patriarchy

One thing that I noticed while staying at my older siblings was that gender still matters quite a lot in fact. My oldest sister have a daughter and a son, and whenever we're eating in public they always offered extra servings or the boys favorite food while not giving the girl anything, except for one time she got two ice cream cones.

I can't be sure if my siblings favored the boy over the girl, the things I witnessed while there said one thing, which made me feel really sad for my niece. Whenever I could I gave them and remembered I offered them things like ice cream, rice cakes, pizza and other things. And I tried to be fare to my nephew and my niece.

The world is still a patriarchy despite all the talk and improvements of gender equality and same salaries for equal work, shared parental leave and what's more. I almost hate to say it but I am secretly hoping that I one day get a son, even though I know what society might except from him.

I sometimes imagine that I somehow could transform myself into a boy while still not undergoing any major changes like operations or procedures. Sometimes I think society is treating males more generously than they are with females.

But then I remember what obsticles my own brother are likely to face and then I realize that I don't want to undergo such drastic measures. I am also reminded of how fare the politics in Sweden has developed alongside the rest of the Western world and Europe. In Sweden wmoen almost expect if not equal salary at least equal treatment in the workplace, shared parental leave in some form, sexual harassment is just as common but considered to be if not a crime a great offense. Less people do walk down the aisle these days, some women never marry and some are raising their children as single and unmarried women. In Sweden you don't have to marry if you're having children, society accepts single parent households.

But most importantly Swedish women don't have to conform , adjust or accept a male's opinions or decisions in their own life. I would not call myself a feminist per say, but maybe my moral values makes me one (I'm not sure).

As I was able to experience an authentic Chuseok celebration it soon was clear to me that all women in the family were expected to participate in preparing that special food and it was a time consuming chore, let me tell you. While all my sisters and mother were busy preparing and tasting the food father and brother in law only sat watching us preparing the food and occassionally eating some and they weren't allowed to help out instead they were given beer.

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

Related posts:
Chuseok

Female Suffrage

Gajok

Reconnecting

The other month I was meeting a childhood friend for the first time in 10 years, we had a lot of catching up to do( as you could expect). She didn't seem to have changed a lot, but neither of had managed to stay in toch with all of our classmates...

I of course talked a lot about Korea, and then we talked some about our families and loved ones. She seemed positively surprised to hear that my parents still were happily married after 34 years which might seem like a big accomplishment especially in these days. Then I also learned that she had a boyfriend, and she alsked me if I ever would consider dating a Swede.

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

Related posts:


Birthday Party

December Day

Autumn Goodbye - Britney Spears.

 I guess it's not autumn any more as we move closer to Christmas and it's actually December now but still no snow...

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

Related posts:


Thursday

This Day

9/12

Saturday

Samsung & Hyundai

Hyundai's newest edition is as far as I know called Veloster and while Hyundai continues to produce cars Samsung is trying to conquer the world... It seems like they make almost everything !!! And the best thing is of course that they're both Korean brands. And no I'm not partial or taking sides here, what would make you say that !?

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

Related posts:


Korean Technology

Happy Lucia

Today we celebrated Lucia which originally came from Italy and there are two different celebrations one that are more common in Scandinavia and another around Italy and Spain.

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

Related posts:
Father's Day

Snow White

Santa Claus

Dum Spiro Spero

Dum Spiro Spero - While I breathe I hope.

 © Taste of Kimchi, Elle

Related posts:


Dum Vivimus

Christmas Candy

This Christmas I so far have made Saffron Biscuits; and Saffron Buns which may not be considered to be Christmas Candy although they are really sweet because of the sugar. I will also make my own marsipan this year, I'm stepping up the high gear and maybe also the traditional Chocolate Truffles. Something that is just as delicious as sweets are nuts so we'll have spicy nuts also and they are much more healthy.

For the actual Christmas Eve dinner I thought I'd try making Gingerbread Pie and at least two kinds of truffles. This year I'm the one making most of the Christmas preparations...

Pictures will come soon...

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

Related posts:


Humble Pie


Chocolate Scones

Lay All Your Love On Me

This is one of my favorite songs from Mamma Mia the Movie.....

I wasn't jelaous before we met
Now every man I see is a potential threat
And I'm possessive it isn't nice
You've heard my saying that smoking was my only vice
But now it isn't true
Now everything is new
And all I've learned has overturned
I beg of you...

Don't go wasting your emotion
Lay all your love on me

It was like shooting a sitting duck
A little small, a smile and baby I was stuck
I still don't know what you've with me
A grown-up man should never fall so easily
I feel a kind of fear
When I don't have you near
Unsatisfied, I skip my pride
I beg you dear...

Don't go wasting your emotion
Lay all your love on me
Don't go sharing your devotion
Lay all your love on me

I've had a few little love affairs
They didn't last very long and they've been pretty scarce
I used to think that was sensible
It makes the truth even more incomprehensible

http://www.lyricsfreak.com/a/abba/lay+all+your+love+on+me_20002834.html

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

Related posts:
Does Your Mother Know


Our Last Summer

Honey Honey

09/12

Gotta Leave My Troubles Behind, Miss Li.

This song is really good and the video reminds me of a cartoon, so what's not to like ? 

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

Related posts:

Thursday

Day

Saturday

Love Quotes

A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous - Ingrid Bergman.

 It is difficult to know at what moment love begins; it is less difficult to know that it has begun. - Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

 Immature love says: 'I love you because I need you.' Mature love says 'I need you because I love you.' - Erich Fromm 

 Love isn't something you find. Love is something that finds you. - Loretta Young

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

Related posts:
Life

Friendship

60s,70s,80s and 90s

Just read a Swedish article full of generalisations it was an article about love which supposedly looks different depending on when you were born. Silly right. As for the 40ths and 50ths they seeked someone handy with the same interests and lifestyle, yes some do that regardless of when they are born. It's nothing wrong with that. The next generation the 60ths generation wanted someone that was fairly social with a stabile economy.

Anyways, it said that the 70s generation looked for eternal love, doesn't everyone ? The 80s generation placed a big importance on looks, for first impression looks may matter some but not in the long run. Not surprisingly they all agreed that happy, positive and loyal was a character trait they all wanted.

If love is percived that differently; then is someone's childhood different compared to someone born 20 years later or 30 years before ? And does it influence people differently and shape them into different people?

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

Related posts:
Orphan Girl

A Name

Together

Seoul 2011 Part II

The following pictures are a random selection of pictures taken from different places in Seoul. All of them were of course taken by myself.

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

Related posts:

Part I

Friendship Quotes

A friend to all is a friend to none. - Aristotle

 Be courteous to all, but intimate with few, and let those few be well tried before you give them your confidence.- George Washington 

 Friendship is held to be the severest test of character. It is easy, we think, to be loyal to a family and clan, whose blood is in your own veins. - Charles Alexander Eastman 

 Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art... It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival. - C. S Lewis 

 Friendship needs no words - it is solitude delivered from the anguish of loneliness. - Dag Hammarskjold 

 Let us be grateful to people who make us happy, they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom. - Marcel Proust 

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

Related posts:


Life Quotes

Saturday

Universal Woman, Robyn

This song is another one of my many favorites. I thought of my 어머니 the other day and I think the maening of the song can make most women identify.

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

Related posts:

Thursday

Immortal Ignorance

Once in a while I come face to face with; what I like to call pure ignorance ( I used to belive that it only served to remind me of my ethnic heritage) which is hard to hide from. I am well aware of my ethnicity, it's sort of unmistakable when you're living in a Western society where the majority used to be ethnic Swedes or Europeans.

These days we have many immigrants with other ethnicities, and maybe the untrained eye is fooled to believe me as an Asian immigrant or mail order bride. I'm honestly not sure.

Once in a while I hear cool teens exclaiming Chinese when they encounter me, they usually smile. When it happens I put on my mask, pretending I'm a foreigner that doesn't know any Swedish.

But a while ago I came face to face with this ignorance when I was walking home from the gym. There were some young children on bicycles accompanied by an older male which I presumed was there dad. It was kind of hard for me pass them as these children were cycling back and forth and not going straight forward. Anyways this young girl usuddenly asked:

"Are will still going to the stable ?"

"Yes we are, if we only can get passed this Chinese person." The Chinese person was me of course, there were no other people on the road other then me and definitely no other Chinese or Asian looking people.

It might seem odd, but my mum and dad have never as far as I remember and know treated me differently because of my Korean heritage. They have never been guilty of any racism although they begun telling me about my Korean birth family when I was 2 or 3 years old. Maybe it also helped that my younger brother not only was a fellow adoptee but also a KAD.

But there's still some things I still question.. like why I never was told of possabilites to learn Korean as a child. Once in grade school my teacher informed of the possabilility to study parental tongue in my class there were a few children that had to learn Finnnish. Learning Korean as a parental tongue in grade school since I didn't think you could learn your parental tongue if you were an adoptee, but also since I didn't think there would be so many other Korean adoptees.

Now I know that the school has to offer pupils the possability to learn their parental tongue if they manage to get enough interested pupils.Not even my adoptive parents knew this at the time, so I can't really blame them can I...

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

Related posts:
Geochang

Relative Deprivation

Reunion

Together

This Day

Sweety - Clazziquai one of my favorite songs... 

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

Related posts:


Thursday

The History Of Korea Djun Kil Kim

Djun Kil Kim, The History of Korea

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

Related posts:


Simon Winchester

 Keith Pratt

Korea Old 

We're All In This Together

Regardless of my current life situation I once was abandoned by my birth parents and subsequently placed for adoption. I may have achived something most adoptees only dream about I'm aware of that, but for me personally it didn't turn out the way I expected it to do (if I ever imagined it to be a certain way) even though I have been reunited with my birth family it doesn't take away the pain or confussion from once having been rejected and abandoned.

You can't change what's already happened , but you can begin to focus on the present rather then living in the past. Holding on the past will get you nowhere I know that, it will only result in pain, tears and hurt feelings. I've already wasted the best time of my life and now I'm determined not to let my past define my future...

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

Related posts:


Rose Thorn


Sweden Or Korea

Réunion

Imagine my surprise when I recently discovered that there already is an island called Reunion. Apparently Réunion is a French island La Réunion (previously known as Îlle Bourbon) in the Indian Ocean between Madagascar and Mauritius.

The population make up to about 800000 people, and how come I never knew about this island at all... The president in La Réunion is Didier Robert and the capital city of Réunion is Saint Denis and its currency is Euro.

To be in reunion is confussing, if anything there's so many things that gets lost on the way, things that might be agreed upon but that I don't have a clue of and unfortunately the same thing goes for me. There's just as many things I tend to take for granted things that are unthinkable for my siblings. It's not because of lack of dedication or love but I didn't imagine that the road would get so confussing and unclear. At times I've actually wanted to almost turn the time back about 10 years or so but that would make me a teenage girl...

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

Related posts:


Relative Deprivation


Relative Choice

Sweden or Korea

Hanguk saram or Sweden saram... I'm not sure, I guess I'm somewhere inbetween. I wish there was a way for me to honour my birth culture while still maintaining the culture where I've grown up... I'm not sure exactly how I will accomplish that , I will try believe me I will.

Up until recently I was fooled to believe that my birth parents wanted me to settle down with a nice Korean man. Maybe it's a nice thought more than anything, a part of me wishes that I could honour my culture that way but I realize that there might be so many things I would have to foresake and for what .... The truth is that I never would allow any man to treat me as they would see fit, I certainly wouldn't obey my husband if I didn't like what he decided for me. I would make my own decisions, and I would never stay married if my husband obused me or started hitting me. If I would have to get a divorce to get happy I would not hesitate.

Although I like the idea of marriage and eternal love, these days not many marriages lasts that long. If I ever would consider marriage I would only like to get married once and then stay married. But I could just as well imagine myself living in a consensual union or common law marriage with children. In Sweden many people live like this.

Recently I asked my Swedish mum and dad weither or not they thought my mother and father would like me to settle down with a Korean man. But my parents ensured me that, they seemed to not be concerned with that any longer they might have but now what seems to matter is my happiness.
Most parents wants nothing else then to see their children happy. I wonder if that goes for my birth parents as well. Do I have to honour Korean traditions or is my happiness more important ?


© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

Related posts:
10 Years

Orphan Girl

Rose Thorn

Relative Choice

How can you move on in life as an adoptee ? What choices do you have ?
I don't think there's any bad or better choices, all choices are just as good as long as they are made by the adoptee and nobody else. As people grows older they are presented with different choices all the time.

Do I want to find my birth family or not ? Do I have to look for them... Do I want to return the country of my birth... Do I have to return to my birth country...

If you were to ask my younger brother those questions I think he would just shake his head and answer no and that should be allright.

I fantasize a lot, I have a big imagination too and lately I begun to to imagine an island with the name Reunion for all of those that has managed to be reunited with a long lost one, in particular adoptees. And every time it becomes difficult or strained or whatever I imagine myself getting in a boat ready to leave the island or at least to get all my packing done.. in case I'd like to leave... Because reunion is not just a happy place and ending, it can be frustrating, difficult, energy consuming, emotionally difficult, confussing and bittersweet.

I'm not sure how big that island would be or how many the inhabitants of such an island would be, I guess it would have to be pretty big but I don't think new settlers would arrive every day and maybe people would be have some sort of communal living... I'm not sure to be totally honest...

Reunion island would be located in a warm climate with palm trees and no winter climate or snow (at least the island I'm talking about..)

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

Related posts:
Relative Deprivation


A Name

Rose Thorn

Life Quotes

With enough courage, you can do without a reputation - Rhett Butler, Gone With the Wind 

 Life well spent is long - Leonardo da Vinci 

 To live is so startling it leaves little time for anything else - Emily Dickinson

Your life is what your thoughts make it - Marcus Aurelius 

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

Related posts:
Sorrow Words

A Fool

Humble Pie

I recently made a Chocolate Pie for Father's Day so maybe you could say it's a Humble Pie, because Chocolate is supposed to make you happy and if you're happy you're nicer, right?

It's going to be Christmas soon, and in Sweden there's a saying that a Gingerbread cookie makes you nice.

Ta en pepparka så att du blir snäll.

I do believe everyone deserves a second chance, and you shouldn't be to fast when judging people. Or why judge them at all but ultimately we all could use a piece of humble pie now and again.... Even me and I don't think it makes me a bad person...

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

Related posts:


Korean Bread

Chocolate Cupcakes

Summer Baking

Chocolate Scones

Thursday 24st

Mario and Nesty Never Say Goodbye

I know it's a pretty old song from 2006 from the drama My Girl (but I still like it not just for the actors but for the meaning and message of the song.) Sometimes when words isn't enough I think it's better to let the music sing and say it with song...

Oh, and it's only a month left before Christmas Eve and Christmas presents (in Sweden we open them on the 24st).

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

Related posts:


Not Sad

메신저안해요

What's In A Name

The Name Saga will probably never end, I realize that now; I was somewhat of a fool too not realize that things will become more complicated it has become so much more complicated to do even simple things like planning a an overseas trip, even getting mail is more of a hassle now. Why ?

Because I'm the , only one in Sweden with is name and I think I might be the only one in the entire world with this particular combination of names. I still think it was worth it, I feel more true to myself and I naivëly think that my birth family ses this as some kind of dedication. Hey, I'm proud to be Korean but I might even be the most prooud of my birth family, I want them to know that I considers myself to be a part of their big family. Although I'm not entirely sure if they really are or at least not in the way I'd like them to be. I know that my birth family are tremendously proud of the fact that they have one younger sister in Sweden and by removing not changing my name that obvious link to Sweden becomes less obvious.

I used to be anonymous whith a really Swedish sounding name, not only am I now no longer anonymous; because of my name people tend to get confused and I suppose I'm getting stereotyped. Maybe I was to naivë or stubborn or maybe even way ahead of my time I suppose society aren't used to people choosing to do exactly what I did.

My name no longer makes it possible to guess what nationality I am, it no longer sounds Swedish because I chose to change it that way. It might sound more English or American if anything although my surname and one of my names are Swedish. But I guess that doesn't count because I could be one of those mailorder brides that chose to get married to an ethnic Swede or maybe a second generation immigrant (but in reality I'm neither of it, I'm a first generation immigrant caused by adoption.

I know for a fact that I'm not the only Korean adoptee that changed their personal name back, but I guess it's not that common to have that many names. Ultimately it's my life and I should be able to make certain decisions by myself.Funnily enough, one of my names was in the Swedish almanack but since it wasn't a name that my adoptive parents choice they just dismissed the hole idea. Usually a Name Day or Namnsdag is a really big deal in Sweden the equivalent of a Birthday. At least in my family it used to be that way...

Anyways, I suppose I should be grateful that I was able to complete a namy change if anything, although neither of my families supported it or understood it. My birth family as well as my adoptive parents tried to persuade me to do otherwise. Somehow my name change seemed to really hurt my Swedish grandma...

If ever do decide to change my mind and want my anonymous I could always apply for a dissolvement of my name change which actually is free. In my mind I wonder if there is another way to join my two families togheter and if there's another way to handle this issue with a personal name.

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle        

Related posts:      


Wash Away


Wish I Knew  

Orphan Girl

A Fool

A fool thinks himself to be wise, but a wise man knows himself to be a fool. 

Yet another quote by Shakespeare, its still very useful and full of honesty I think.

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

Related posts:
Sonnet

Sorrow Words

메신저안해요

네동송 용서하닙시오.

용서해주세요 아버자.

오빠 마안해요.

사랑합니디.

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

Related posts:
해피할로원

Orphan Girl

Rose Thorn

Rose Thorn

I will not lie,I love my birth family more then life itself, it's true I truely do. But our relationship is complicated , mostly due to cultural differences caused by my adoption. And I realized that although I love them, it hurts to love them, physically painful with real tears.

Yet it's also wonderful to know that I have them, such a warm fuzzy feeling knowing that I got such a big family on the other side of the world; knowing that there are people on the other side of the world that loves me. That's commendable , yet understandable but not without confussion and pain. 
And yes it's also time consuming, loving them reminds me somehow uncounsiously of what could have been, of all the things I lost.

Yes I still say lost although I'm all to aware of what I got in return, I will not apologize for any of that any longer. I deserve it, I should not have to feel guilty for things that's way beyond my control. The last thing I should have to do is to feel guilty for having been born as a girl 25 years ago. But maybe it's easy to feel this way given the history I have and the fact that the world is a patriarchy. No, I'm not bitter.

My pain is nothing in comparison too that of my parents and in relation to my younger brother's. The responsability that rests upon their shoulders, I can't imagine it or see it before me. All I know is that they are going to have to support our parents after graduated and having completed military service. Then I guess they'll have to get married as well to ensure that the family line lives on. Such a huge responsability, and in all this I wonder where I get into the picture... What do they expect of me ? Can I ever become a filial daughter or is that no longer possible ?

I am not a perfect person, everybody have flaws and I'm no better than anybody else.

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

Related posts:


Orphan Girl


Relative Deprivation

Korea Old And New

Korea Old And New, A History

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

Related posts:
Donald Kirk

Simon Winchester

Keith Pratt

Relative Deprivation

Ok, so yes I've studied Peace and Development at university level... but this doesn't mean that my interests are limited (to Peace and conflicts, Korea and adoption.) No far from it, I have many other interests of course.

But allright, here goes would it be possible to put the Relative Deprivation in relation to adoption ? Well, yes I think it's duable but also since adoptions usually takes place at time when the children are relatively young I guess more than assume that it's near to impossible to change your own situation (it might not be impossible but complicated and hard).

Deprivation is a way to measure somebody's happiness or level of content in relation to somebody that has something that the deprived want like fulfillment of a basic need or access to it.


http://www.change.org/petitions/citizenship-for-all-us-intercountry-adoptees#

But the thing with being adopted that I've found myself is that you can't change something that happened before you were born or a very young child (there are exceptional cases were adoptions have been dissolved but that's usually decided by the adoptive parents citizenship) it's very time consuming and hard to change something that's been around for 60 years that people by now are used too and that over time has turned into something of a system in this case the adoption system.

In case you're wondering my adoptive parents who I still prefer to call mum and dad, I know they love me and my brother more than anything. I think they would walk over fire if it could help me or my brother, they have supported me throughout my life, it was them not me that suggested I'd go to Korea and meet my birth family last year. They are still not happy about some of my choices that I've made but thats allright. Yet my previous Korea trip did really put things into perspective and my relationship with my Mamma and Pappa has improved tremdously and we can know communicate more honestly with each other.

The Name Saga still continues on... I'll write about it soon (it deserves it's own entry although it's somewhat linked).

 Also I'm Swedish which ABBA also are and ABBA songs happen to make me smile and feel good, especially Mamma Mia the Musical.

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

Related posts:
Seoul News

Stalemates

Not Sad

Orphan Girl

When I was born the only people that once knew about me were my birth parents and one other person. Nobody else knew that I was to be born, I don't even know if they even expected me to be alive when I was born to start with let alone survive and continue to live on. But I did, although I did spend my first 100 days in an orphanage so my birth parents never had a chance to bond with me, or create memories with me. All they had was blurred memories and hope...

Therefore it might seem strange that I feel so strongly about my birth family since we logically have nothing else in common other then a last name and some unknown DNA. Some days I still wonder if the parents and the siblings that I met truely are my birth family, it's sometimes hard for me accept it as the truth... I don't know exactly why, could be because I never had the slightest memory or recollection of them but what do you expect from a newborn baby.

I guess that I managed to turn things around, seeing that my birth parents might not even have been aware of my health status.But I wasn't stillborn or dying or seriously sick, I was fine. I guess I was born as an underdog but now I'm pretty pleased with my life.
Now I appreciate the little things in life and I try too approach every day with a smile. (I'm the orphan girl that was reunited) and still in active reunion.

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

Related posts:
Repeating Destiny

Guesstimations

Geochang

Honey Honey

Honey honey, how you thrill me, ah-hah, honey honey
Honey honey, nearly kill me, ah-hah, honey honey
I'd heard about you before
I wanted to know some more
And now I know what they mean, you're a love machine
Oh you make me dizzy

Honey, honey let me feel it, ah-hah, honey honey
Honey honey, don't conceal it, ah-hah honey honey
The way that you kiss goodnight
(The way that you kiss me goodnight)
The way that you hold me tight
(The way that you're holding me tight)
I feel like I wanna sing when you do your thing

Idon't wanna hurt you, I don't wanna see you cry
So stay on the ground, girl, you better not get too high
But I'm gonna stick to you, boy, you'll never get rid of me
There's no other place where I rather would be

Honey honey, touch me me, baby, ah-hah, honey honey
Honey honey, hold me, baby, ah-hah, honey honey
You look like a movie star
(You look like a movie star)
But I know just who you are
(I know just who you are)
And honey to say the last you're dog-gone beast

http://www.lyricsfreak.com/a/abba/honey+honey_20003047.html

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

Related posts:


Our Last Summer

Not Sad

I'm not sad anymore, or I'm trying to stay positive and focus on the good things in life which might be noticed in this blog by now. I still struggle with the adoption and reunion related stuff , and I will still blogg about those topics but maybe less often. I'm not really sure what the future holds in store for me but I'm ready for whatever challenge life throughs at me. Remember this there's at least two people in the world that loves you.

My struggle as an adoptee will most likely never end, I'm still trying to make sense of the world which is easier said then done. There are still so many things that I don't know anything about, I know that but I also know that there things that I have knowledge about that others might not know about. That is allright, I'm not complaining it's how life is supposed to be.

But I still can't shake the feeling of feeling totally alone ( I know I'm not alone there's many , many other KADs out there) but sometimes it feels like I'm the only one out there having the kind of feelings, emotions and opinions not only about Korea and adoption but about life in general.

And it is true that despite everything, there was a few days in Korea where I felt I could let my guard down a bit and relax instead of worrying about what someone might said or if I misunderstood something. I spent the last week in KOROOT which to me proved to be very needed it gave me some distance to my active reunion and all of the tension it created. However the impressions from last week was never negative yet sometimes difficult and truthfully I couldn't process it until I was back in Sweden.

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

Related posts:
Greif Again

Too Young

Peace 

Seoul 2011 Part I

As promised here are a few of my many pictures from my previous Korea trip. Enjoy!

(c) Taste of Kimchi, Elle

Related posts:
Open Market

Tourist Sights

Korean Nature

Seoul City

Itaewon

More Itaewon

War Memorial Museum

Namdaemung

Olympic Stadium

Seoul Pictures

Seoul Pictures II

Trust

Totally unrelated but still important; Happy Father's Day !!!

I've been busy with a bit soul searching since my return to Sweden, and I realize that I'm too naïve for my own good sometimes, but also brutally honest. More importantly I discovered that I need to prioritize and also re-evalute my life. Simply speaking, I need to become more egoistic than I have been in the past.

It's not easy to live in active reunion with your birth family, I'm not sad anymore but I still worry and mourn. I think it's a part of life for many adoptees and not uncommon at all. Some of my friendships hasn't been exactly healthy , I realize that now. I don't blame either of them, fact is that negativity attracts negativity... And well need I say more... I'm not depressed or sad anymore, honestly I'm not. When you can't be the person that you really are with other people then I think that friendship might not really be that good.

I'm sorry I can't be there for you anymore like I used to be, I need to become my own hero. There'll never be a knight in shining armour on a white horse, those endings are only for fairytales. I don't think this is the end but this is going nowhere, one of us is gotta have to change...

What I'm trying to say is that when you have enough to deal with, it might not be such a good idea to surrond yourself with people that steal your energy.

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

Related posts:
Wish I Knew

Stalemates

Can I Do

End

Geochang

I used to really honestly hate my birthday, yes it's sounds weird but I used to despise it, I'm not kidding. You see my birthday used to remind of soo much pain, so much sorrow; separation. People that I should have known but never got a change to know... I still don't like my birthday although I know you're supposed to do it.

Every birthday reminds me of what should have been, but also of what I gained in return so it's bittersweet like most things in life.

Geochang 거창군 should have been the place where I would have been born, you see my parents lived there at the time. Had I been born there I suspect my life wouldn't really be my life or at least not the life I know as mine today. 


I'm the only one of my siblings that wasn't born at home , my older siblings never knew of me. Yet I'm so thankful of all the things I got in return but the loss of what I lost is still real and very painful in my mind, heart and soul. 


© Taste of Kimchi, Elle


Related posts:
 나의가촉


Seoul

Dum Vivimus, Vivamus

Dum vivimus, vivamus - let us live while we live - let's enjoy life.

신나는 빼빼로 데이 ! 

©Taste of Kimchi, Elle


Related posts:
Citius Altuis

Sorrow Words

Our Last Summer

The summer air was warm and soft
The feeling right, the Paris night
Did it's best to please us
And strolling down the Elysée

We had a drink in each café
And you
Talked of politics, philosophy and I
Smiled like Mona Lisa
We had our chance
It was a fine and true romance

I can still recall our last summer
I still see it all
Walks along the Seine, lauging in the rain
Our last summer
Memories that remain

We made our way along the river
And we sat down in the grass by the Eiffel tower
I was so happy we had met
It was the age of no regret
Oh yes, those crazy years, that was the time
Of the Flower Power
But underneath we had a fear of flying
Of getting old, a fear of slowly dying
We took the chance
Like we were dancing our last dance

I can still recall our last summer
I still see it all
In the tourist jam, round the Notre Dam
Our last summer
We could laugh and play

And now you're working in a bank
The family man, the fotball fan
And your name is Harry
How dull it seems
You're the hero of my dreams

http://www.lyricsfreak.com/a/abba/our+last+summer_20002942.html

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

Related posts:


Does Your Mother Know

10 Years From Now

• I'll be in a stable relationship 
• I will live in Korea 
• I will have my own business (in Korea)
• I probably will have a child or two

It might seem strange that I am dedicated towards moving to a country that couldn't care for me as a newborn. I admit that my feelings is a little bit mixed but overall the positive feelings that I felt weighed more than the negative ones. Honestly, it felt so relieving to be able to live life like that. Or no, it was more a feeling a sensation deep inside me in my soul, I feeling of total satisfaction. I felt complete and calm, maybe I felt calm because I felt complete and the reverse... 

Of course if one wants to learn Korean the best why would be to study Korean in Korea, obviously. But there are other ways to learn it; you can apply to study it in university or try to find a Korean language course through some other facility not necessarilly a school and there's many online options out there. I know I will learn Korean one day, I've already started. I have to learn Korean or else my relationship with my birth family will never improve, I fear. I am confident that I'll make it happen one day. You have to be dedicated and stay positive.

I honestly think it's about time that I focus more on some me time, or at least try to make myself a priority and doing things that makes feel good instead of doing things to make others feel good (if it means I'd have to forsake myself).

©Taste of Kimchi, Elle

Related posts:


Peace


End

This Has To End

I wish I wasn't such a varm, good hearted person, especially not since I tend to be openly friendly towards other people; almost naïve which makes a fool and a listener. I think I need to thoughen up a bit or two, there's reason to focus on what has been when you can't change it; focus on the good things that make you feel happy and calm (live for the moment and plan for the future.) Too me every day is an adventure, and I plan to live like that. There's never a dull moment if you're trying to smile instead of crying.

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle

Related posts:
Your Mother

Stalemates

Peace

Peace & Love

I made one really major and life altering decision in connection to my last Korea trip, some of you may think it's silly and naïve and all that but to me it was like an epiphany, suddenly everything made sense. I knew what I wanted and where I wanted to go in life. My life in Sweden has been a very good one, I had nothing to complain about not really (expect for the ordinary adoption issues) of course. But my mum and dad really are the best parents that I ever could have gotten. I can't imagine having any other parents, honestly I know mum and I don't get along most of the times and that I might give her a hard time oftentimes. But I truely wouldn't change them or want it any other way. I love my mum and dad, 아버지, 어머니, 언니 and 형제.

But here's the big thing, like major or something of that sort, despite everything that happened I still feel like I not only want to return (I'm convinced that I will). No, I'm talking about living there

as a foreign resident not as a tourist but living there permanently for a shorter amount of time for exactly how long is yet to be determined. But I felt at ease and at peace there , I'd like to bring that feeling permanently in too my life. And yes, it also felt like I left a piece of my heart in Korea, which is kind of true since I forgot and left a few things there. 

I realize that it might take some time before I actually can achive that, and I suppose we're talking years here. And I'm not naïve, I am also avare of the fact that might mean I'd have to make sacrifices that I'm more then willing too take. At least I have a goal in life now, which I didn't use to have and that's worth a lot in my book.

And rest assure I will make it happen, one day I'll be living in Korea.

© Taste of Kimchi, Elle 


Related posts:
My Values

I Wish I Knew

What I Do